“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
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The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
LA today:
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?