It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
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My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
is this a threat
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.