The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
You Might Also Like
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”