“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
sry
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
✌🏽
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I don’t make the rules sorry