You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
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I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
a god among men
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
get you a girl who
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.