genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
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Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
she has a point
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.