Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”