My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
The cashier just checked me out.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org