Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
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i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.