You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
You Might Also Like
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat