Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
You Might Also Like
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Just me and my debit card against the world
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.