WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
You Might Also Like
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Just why bro?!
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-