Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
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How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”