At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?