“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
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Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Choose your fighter
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.