Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
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Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you