There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you