All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…