I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.