Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I am also baked goods
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler