I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.