When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
You Might Also Like
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My neck my back my allergy attack
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.