Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
O Wise One….
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me: