Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
You Might Also Like
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no