Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Meanwhile in Canada…
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog