as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
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*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys