the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
What?!?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.