People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
There’s never enough good news
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.