5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
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humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Software Development ⛵️
Ok but actually
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.