People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*