My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8