How much for the goth pool noodles?
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.