My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
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“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf