Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
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Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
People buying plungers never look happy.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa