Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
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If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
meow
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?