getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
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1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.