You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
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[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.