Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
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the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Love is in the air fryer.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry