[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
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Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave