Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Money is the root of all wealth
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*