I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
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Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”