Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
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“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground