Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
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After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.