Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
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Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted