Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
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All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.