Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
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(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
My life in a nutshell
Is this you?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”