date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Me, reading some of your tweets
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
2 years later
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.