Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Day 2 of my diet
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)