The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
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Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid