me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
You Might Also Like
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299